Friday, March 12, 2010

GRAVITY - about the lyrics

More lyrical insight for ya'll today. I'm continuing on with songs from the "Look Up Now" EP. "Gravity" was written a little over two years ago - when Niki, Betsy, and I were in the short-lived project, Djuna. This ballad had a certain strength, and it seemed a shame to let it go away when Djuna ended; We were happy to have it follow us into our next effort.

GRAVITY
this life just isn't feeling like the reality
that has told me year in, year out
similar stories at least
half nightmare, half perfect dream
with you and I curled up 
somewhere in between

this room:
our combination of color and mess
our bed:
an altar of sleep and sex
befores and afters
harshest words and sweetest breaths
it has held us closer here than gravity

*is this a cage or is this a nest?
are we pinned down or are we at rest?

(If you have read any of my previous lyrical reflections, I tend to repeat my themes and perspectives. I hope that you are able to take more than just redundancy from this.) I guess I'll just get super candid for this one:

Long-term relationship. That's a lot of responsibility and quite a bit of compromise. When combined with being in your early twenties... it can be exponentially more intense! At this time, I was just starting to realize the real relationship I had with myself: Committing to my needs, obligations, wants. I was mourning the loss of some ideals about where I'd be or how it would feel to be at this place in life. I was also living with my significant other - and I was adjusting to the discrepancies of real and ideal in relationship. I don't know about you - but I daydreamed a lot as a kid about what life and love would look like in the future. Sometimes I doubted I would even make it to my 20's, and when I did, I certainly assumed I'd have a very cemented existence.

So here I was (lyrically, again) - unsure, partially floored and swept in the wonderment of adult life. I was tucking in or tearing off all my personal "Wait-a-minute..."s and "Is this really it?"s. I was also sharing this transitional time with another person... with their own process. Neither of us were a confident in our adulthood as we might have liked, and it got confusing and frustrating to determine where we were heading. Would we move in the same direction at the same time? Would one of us float away from the other? Was this relationship really the thing we should be tied to - and would it see us through necessary maturity?
One of our strengths - we kept each other safe and still. One of our weaknesses - this kept us potentially sedentary. This groundedness teetered on complacent states. Love was strong, and I'm honestly not sure if it was a real risk - but at times I found myself afraid to move (figuratively) for fear that I might end up without my relationship. 
We would also rile ourselves up and argue. I think this was an attempt to reenergize the dynamic, establish boundaries, and to test how strong our commitment was. (I've seen this to be common and often necessary in many relationships...)

It was a strange and wonderful time to be connected to someone else - (the positives certainly outweighed the negatives and I was glad to be there) - but objectively - we were as two trees sprouting simultaneously in very close proximity - struggling to rise in a forest thick with realizations. This often meant sporadic bursts and strained points of development, and the constant accommodation of the other's space. It was a struggle to determine in this nearness if we were supporting or hindering each other. I suppose just as it felt like both, it was both.

While I'm reflecting, I'd like to say that I'm absolutely grateful to have shared these growing experiences with someone so intimately. I will always be blown away by the love I have been given and the dedication that was braved in the process.

xo.
-Ash

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